Middleearth and the Quest for the Holy Truth
by jilian baade
Summary: An insane cross-over between The Silm and Monty Python.
1. Default Chapter

Middle-earth and The Quest for the Holy Truth, and possibly some Silmarils.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, Tolkien and Monty Python own characters and script. I also beg to point that an invasion of elves made me do it! They did, they really did!

SCENE 1

Beren and Luthien arrive at Angband.

[Opening music]

[Wind]

[Clop, clop]

Beren: Whoa there!

[clop, clop, clop]

Orc#1: Halt, who goes there!

Beren: It is I, Beren son of Barahir, and I am here to take one of your master's Silmarils back to King Thingol

Orc#1: Pull the other one!

Beren: I am, and this Luthien, Thingol's daughter. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land searching for the way into this land. Let us in, so Luthien may enchant you all

Orc#1: What, ridden on a horse?

Beren: Yes!

Orc#1:You're using coconuts!

Beren: What!

Orc#1: You're using coconuts!

Beren: What?

Orc#1:You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em together

Beren: So? We have ridden since the snow of winter covered this land, from the kingdom of Doriath..

Orc#1Where'd you get the coconuts?

Beren: We found them

Orc#1: Found them! In Doriath? The coconut's tropical!

Beren: What do you mean?

Orc#1: Well, this is a temperate zone.

Beren: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

Orc#1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Beren: Not at all, they could be carried.

Orc#1:  What, a swallow carrying a coconut?

Beren: It could grip it by the husk.

Orc#1: It's not a question of where he grips it; it's a question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut!

Beren: Well, it doesn't matter, could you please tell your master Beren and Luthien are here?

Orc#1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat it's wings forty three times every second, right?

Beren: Please!

Orc#1: Am I right?

Beren: I'm not interested!

Orc#2: It could be carried by an African swallow.

Orc#1: Yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

Orc#2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

Beren: Will you ask your master if he will give us one of the Silmarils?

Orc#1: But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

Orc#2: Oh, yeah.

Orc#1: So they couldn't bring back a coconut anyway.

[clop, clop, clop]

Orc#2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

Orc#1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Orc#2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper.

Orc#1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

Orc#2: Well, why not?

SCENE 2

As well all know, nothing rots in Valinor, including the dead. So, recently it was speculated that the bodies of elves that die of accidents etc must be put somewhere. A storehouse in the Halls of Mandos was decided to be the most feasible answer, and then of course there's the little matter of who picks up the bodies… Feanor!! Yes, fresh out of Valinor, but still being punished.

[Thud]

[Clang]

Feanor: Bring out your dead!

[Clang!]

Bring out your dead!

[Clang]

Bring out your dead!

[Clang]

Bring out your dead!

[Clang]

Bring out your dead!

[Cough, cough]

[Clang]

[Cough, cough]

Bring out your dead!

[Clang]

Bring out your dead! Ninepence

[Clang]

Bring out your dead!

[Clang]

Customer: Here's one

Feanor: Ninepence

Dead elf: I'm not dead

Feanor: What!

Customer: Nothing, here's your ninepence.

Dead elf: I'm not dead

Feanor: Here, he says he's not dead.

Customer: Yes, he is.

Dead elf: I'm not

Feanor: He isn't?

Customer: Well, he will be soon. He's badly injured.

Dead elf: I'm getting better!

Customer: Oh no you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

Feanor: I can't take him like that, it's against regulations!

Dead elf: I don't want to go to Mandos.

Customer: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Feanor: I can't take him.

Dead elf: I feel fine.

Customer: Well, do us a favour

Feanor: I can't

Customer: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

Feanor: No, I've got to go to Alqualonde, apparently there's a lot of bodies there.

Customer: When's your next round?

Feanor: Thursday.

Dead elf: I think I'll go for a walk.

Customer: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?

Dead elf: [singing] I feel happy, I feel happy

[Whomp]

Customer: Thanks very much

Feanor: Not at all, see you Thursday.

[Howl]

[Clop, clop]

Customer: Who's that, then

Feanor: Dunno. Must be a Valar.

Customer: Why?

Feanor: He hasn't got shit all over him.

SCENE 3

Morgoth and Feanor meet for the first time, in Valinor, after Morgoth's term of imprisonment ends.

Morgoth:  Boy

Feanor: Man!

Morgoth: Man, sorry. Who lives in that Castle over there?

Feanor: I'm a hundred and thirty seven years old.

Morgoth: What?

Feanor: I'm a hundred and thirty seven years old, I'm no boy.

Morgoth: Well, I can't just say, Hey elf!

Feanor: Well, you could say Feanor.

Morgoth: Well, I didn't know you were called Feanor.

Feanor: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Morgoth: I did say sorry about the boy, but from behind..

Feanor: What I object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior!

Morgoth: I am a Vala.

Feanor: A Vala, eh very nice. How did you get that, eh? By exploiting the elves, by ripping us from Middle-earth, our home! If there's ever going to be any progress, we have to back to Middle-earth..

Nerdanel: Feanor, there's some lovely gem stones down here..Oh! How do you do?

Morgoth: How do you do, good lady, I'm Morgoth, a Vala. Whose castle is that?

Nerdanel: A what?

Morgoth: A Vala

Nerdanel: I thought that was taken off you.

Morgoth: No, no, I am a Vala and you will obey me!

Nerdanel: I still think it was taken off you.

Feanor: You're fooling yourself. Manwe's forgiven him

Nerdanel: There you go, bringing the Valar into it again

Feanor: That's what it's all about. If people would only listen to me..

Morgoth: Please, please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Nerdanel: No one lives there.

Morgoth: Then what Vala rules this area?

Nerdanel: None.

Morgoth: What!

Feanor: I told you, my sons and I take turns to rule for a week.

Morgoth: Yes

Feanor: But all the appointed person's decisions have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting..

Morgoth; I see

Feanor: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs

Morgoth: Be Quiet!

Feanor: But by two-thirds in the case of more major..

Morgoth: Be quiet, I order you to be quiet!

Nerdanel: Order, eh. Who does he think he is?

Morgoth: I am a Vala!

Nerdanel: I didn't vote for you

Morgoth: You don't vote for Valar.

Nerdanel: Well, how'd you become one then

Morgoth: Eru, in his wisdom,

[Maia sing]

Made the Valar to be his companions. Then, when Arda was made, some of us chose to descend to Arda, to rule and govern it in Eru's name. That is why I am a Vala!

[Maia stop singing]

Feanor: Listen, decisions made by unseen entities is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power should be in the hands of the elves, not someone who says, 'But Eru said I could!'

Morgoth: Be quiet!

Feanor: You can't expect to rule us because Eru said so!

Morgoth: Shut up!

Feanor:I mean, if I went around saying I'm a Vala, do as I say cos some strange entity whose existence we have no proof of said so, they'd put me away!

Morgoth: Shut up! Will you just shut up!

Feanor: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

Morgoth: Shut up!

Feanor: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed!

Morgoth: Bloody elf

Feanor: Oh, what a give away! Did you hear that? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw him repressing me, didn't you?

SCENE 4

High King Fingolfin challenges Morgoth to single combat! After the War of Wrath, reimbodied Fingolfin isn't so easily defeated the second time.

[Clop, clop, clop]

Fingolfin: I have come to challenge you to single combat, Morgoth, Foe of all free peoples.

[Pause]

Shall I just ride by and sack Angband then?

[Pause]

Kill all your Orcs?

[Pause]

Slay all your Balrogs?

[Pause]

Fingolfin: You make me sad. So be it, come Argon.

Morgoth: None shall pass.

Fingolfin: What?

Morgoth: None shall pass.

Fingolfin: Fight me then.

Morgoth: Then you shall die.

Fingolfin: so be it

Fingolfin and Morgoth: Arrggh! Hiyahh! Clang, etc.

[Fingolfin chops  Morgoth's arm off]

Fingolfin: Now I have defeated you, Morgoth!

Morgoth: Tis but a scratch.

Fingolfin: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Morgoth: No, it isn't.

Fingolfin: Well, what's that then?

Morgoth: I've had worse.

Fingolfin: You liar!

Morgoth: Come on, you pansy!

[Sounds of fighting follow]

[Fingolfin chops Morgoth's other arm off]

Fingolfin: Victory is mine!

[Kneels] I thank you Eru, for assisting me to defeat..

Morgoth: Huh!

[Kick]

Come on then!

Fingolfin: What?

Morgoth: Have at you!

[Kick]

Fingolfin: You are indeed a worthy opponent, Morgoth, but the fight is mine.

Morgoth: oh, had enough, eh?

Fingolfin: look you stupid bastard; you've got no arms left!

Morgoth: Yes I have.

Fingolfin: Look

Morgoth: Just a flesh wound.

[Kick]

Fingolfin: Look, stop that.

Morgoth: Chicken

{Kicks}

Chicken!!

Fingolfin: Look, I'll have your leg.

[Chop]

[Fingolfin chops off Morgoth's leg]

Morgoth: Right, I'll do you for that!

Fingolfin: You'll what!

Morgoth: come here.

Fingolfin: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

Morgoth: I'm invincible!

Fingolfin: You're a loony!

Morgoth: The Black Foe always triumphs! Come on! Have at you!

[Tries to kick Fingolfin]

[Fingolfin chops Morgoth's other leg off]

Morgoth: Oh, all right, we'll call it a draw!

Fingolfin: Come, Argon!

Morgoth; Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards, come back and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

SCENE 5

We've all read the way Finrod was supposed to have met Mortals in The Silmarillion, and how they came to call him Nom, Wisdom. I'm telling you it's all lies…

Crowd: An Orc, an Orc, we've found an Orc! An Orc, an Orc, we've got an Orc. Burn her, burn her, we've found an Orc, an Orc! We've found an Orc!

Mortal#1: We've found an Orc. May we burn her?

Crowd: Burn her, burn her, burn her!!

Beor: How do you know she is an Orc?

Mortal#2: She looks one!

Crowd: Yeah, right, right.

Beor: Bring her forward.

Orc: I'm not an Orc; I'm not an Orc!

Beor: Uh, but you are dressed as one.

Orc: They dressed me up like this

Crowd: Augh, we didn't, we didn't.

Orc: And these aren't my teeth, they're false ones.

Beor: Well?

Mortal#1: Well, we did do the teeth.

Beor: The teeth?

Mortal#1: And the hair, but she is an Orc.

Mortal#2: Yeah.

Crowd: We burn her, right? Yeaah! Yeaah!

Beor: Did you dress her up like this?

Mortal#1: No

Mortals # 2 & 3: No! No!

Mortal#2: No!

Mortal#1: No!

Mortals# 2 & 3: No!

Mortal#1: Yes.

Mortal#2: Yes

Mortal#1 Yes. Yeah, a bit

Mortal#3: A bit.

Mortals#1 & 2: A bit.

Mortal#1: She has got a wart.

Beor: What makes you think she is an Orc?

Mortal#3: Well, she killed me.

Beor: She killed you?

Mortal#3: I got better.

Mortal#2: Burn her anyway

Mortal#1: Burn her!

Crowd: Burn her, burn her.

Beor: Quiet, Quiet, Quiet. There are ways of telling if she is an Orc.

Mortal#1: Are there?

Mortal#2: There are!

Mortal#1: What are they?

Crowd: Tell us, Tell us!

Beor: Tell me. What do you do with Orcs?

Mortal#2: Burn!

Mortal#1: Burn!

Crowd: Burn. Burn them up! Burn.

Beor: And what do you burn apart from orcs?

Mortal#3: More orcs.

Mortal#2: Sshh.

Mortal#1: Wood.

Beor: So why do orcs burn?

Mortal#3: B..Because they're made of …wood?

Beor: Good

Crowd: Oh, yeah!

Beor: So how do we know if she is make of wood?

Mortal#1: Build a bridge out of her!

Beor: Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?

Mortal#1: Oh, yeah!

Mortal#3: yeah, true.

Beor: Does wood sink in water?

Mortal#1: No, No.

Mortal#2: No, it floats. It floats.

Mortal#1: Throw her in the pond!

Crowd: The pond. Throw her in the pond!

Beor: What also floats in water.

Mortal#1: Bread

Mortal#2: Apples

Mortal#3: Cider

Mortal#1:very small rocks

Mortal#2:Gravy

Mortal#3: Cherries

Mortal#1: Mud

Mortal#2: Houses, Houses!

Mortal#3: Lead, Lead!

Finrod: A duck!!

Crowd: Oohh!

Beor: Exactly, so logically…

Mortal#1: If she… weighs the same as a duck… she's made of wood..

Beor: And therefore

Mortal #1: An orc

Mortal#2: An orc.

Crowd: An Orc! An Orc!

Mortal#4: Here is a duck. Use this duck!

Beor: Very good. We shall use my largest scales!

Crowd: Ohh! Ohh! Burn her, Burn her, Burn the Orc. Burn her, burn her, burn her!

Beor: Right. Remove the supports!

Crowd: An Orc, an Orc, an Orc!!

Orc: It's a fair cop.

Mortal#3; Burn her!!

Crowd: Burn her, burn her, burn her!!

Beor: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

Finrod: I am Finrod, King of Nargothrond.

Beor: My lord

Finrod: Good Mortal, will you come with me to Nargothrond?

Beor: My lord. I would be honoured.

Finrod: What is your name.

Beor: Beor, my lord.

Finrod: Then I dub you, Beor, leader of the First House of the Edain

OK, for now, this is where I will leave the true story of Middle-earth, and continue shortly. Thanks to the Silmfics list and Andreth especially for encouraging me.


	2. Chapter 2

Middle-earth 2

Ok, I've missed a bit, because I did the bits I thought worth while.So. Shall we continue the journey through Monty Python?

SCENE 10

Ok, this next bit is really not fair to Finarfin; I don't really think he's a coward. It would have taken a lot of guts to go back, and to face the other elves of Valinor branded as a kinslayer. He did fight in the War of Wrath too, so well, anyway, he's just too perfect not to have been used here!

The tale of Finarfin. He was with the last of Noldor to leave, and his people often stopped and looked back. He also had an annoying minstrel. Also, who knew Eonwe has three heads? Caused a few problems when he delivered the Doom of the Noldor..

Minstrel: Boldly brave Prince Finarfin rode forth from Valinor,

                His is not afraid to die, O brave Prince Finarfin

                He is not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,

                Brave, brave, brave, brave Prince Finarfin!

                He is not the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,

                Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken.

                To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away,

                And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Prince Finarfin.

                His head smashed in and his heart cut out,

                And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,

                And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,

                And his pe..

Finarfin: That's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot!!

Eonwe, All heads: Halt! Who art thou?

Minstrel: He is brave Prince Finarfin!

Finarfin: Shut up! N, N, Nobody really. I'm just, um, just passing through!

All heads: What do you want.

Minstrel: To fight and di..

Finarfin: Shuut upp!! N, nothing, um, nothing really. Just passing through, Lord Eonwe.

All heads: afraid not.

Finarfin: Ah, well, actually, I am a Prince of the Noldor.

All heads: You're a Prince of the Noldor.

Finarfin: I am.

Left head: In that case, I shall to punish you.

Middle head: Shall I?

Right head: Oh, I don't think so.

Middle head: Well, what do I think?

Left head: I think punish him

Middle head: Oh, let's be nice to him

Left head: Shut up!

Finarfin: Perhaps I could..

Left head: Quick! Grab him, I want to punish him.

Right head: punish yourself.

Middle head: yes, do us all a favour.

Left head: What?

Right head: yapping on all the time.

Middle Head: You're lucky. You're not next to him

Left head: What do you mean?

Middle head: you snore

Left head: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you have bad breath.

Middle head: Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.

Right head: Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea!

Left head: All right, all right. We'll punish him first, then go and  have tea and biscuits.

Middle head: yes

Right head: Oh, not biscuits.

Left head: All right, all right. Not biscuits, but let's punish him anyway.

All heads: right

Middle head: He's buggered off!

Right head: So he has. He's scarpered!

Minstrel: Brave Prince Finarfin ran away!

Finarfin: NO!

Minstrel: Bravely ran away, away!

Finarfin: I didn't!

Minstrel: When danger reared it's ugly head; he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Finarfin: NO!

Minstrel: Brave Prince Finarfin turned about.

Finarfin: I didn't!

Minstrel: And gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,

Finarfin: I never did!

Minstrel: He beat a very brave retreat.

Finarfin: All lies!

Minstrel: Bravest of the brave, Prince Finarfin!

Finarfin: I never!

SCENE 11

The Tale of Tuor.

What really happened when Tuor first came to Gondolin.

Tuor: Open the door! Open the door!

[pound, pound]

Tuor: In the name of Ulmo, open the door!

Handmaids: Hello!!

Aredhel: Welcome, gentle Tuor! Welcome to Gondolin!

Tuor: Gondolin?

Aredhel: It's not a very good name, is it? Still, we are very nice and shall attend your every, every need.

Tuor: I have a message from Lord Ulmo!

Aredhel: Lord Ulmo?

Tuor: I must deliver my message. I cannot stay.

Aredhel: Oh, but you are tired, and must rest awhile. Handmaids!

Handmaids: Yes, oh Aredhel!

Aredhel: Prepare a bed for our guest.

Handmaids: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Aredhel: The beds are warm and soft and very, very big.

Tuor: Well, Look, I um, look..

Aredhel: What is your name, handsome mortal?

Tuor: Tuor, Ulmo's messenger.

Aredhel: Mine is Aredhel, just Aredhel. Oh, but come!

Tuor: Look please! In Eru's name, I must deliver my message!

Aredhel: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious!

Tuor: No, look, I must leave!

Aredhel: Dear Tuor. You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality!

Tuor: Well, I uh, uh..

Aredhel: I'm afraid our lives must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score unmarried elf-maidens, cut off all male contact. Oh, it is a lonely life dressing, undressing, bathing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome mortals. Come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

Tuor: No, No, it's nothing.

Aredhel: you must see the healers immediately. No, no, please! Lie down.

Healers: What seems to be the trouble?

Tuor: They're healers?

Aredhel: Um, they have basic medical training.

Tuor: B, but..

Aredhel: Come, come. You must try to rest. Healers! Practise your art.

Healer: Try to relax.

Tuor: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

Healer: We must examine you

Tuor: There's nothing wrong with that!!

Healer: Please! We are healers.

Tuor: Look. This cannot be! You are elf maids!

Healer: Back to your bed. At once!

Tuor: Torment me no longer! I must deliver my message.

Healer: That can wait.

Tuor: I must deliver my message…

A short interlude…

Handmaids come into Tuor's room

Handmaids: Hello

Tuor: Oh.

Handmaids: Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Tuor: Aredhel!

Idril: No, I am her niece Idril. She bleaches her hair, you know!

Tuor: Well, excuse me, I'm just..

Idril: Where are you going?

Tuor: I must deliver my message. I must!!

Idril: Oh no, oh no! Bad, bad Aredhel!

Tuor: Well, what is it?

Idril: Oh, wicked, bad naughty Aredhel! She has been waylaying mortals again! She did that to your father and uncle, you know!

Tuor: She did?

Idril: Oh wicked, bad, naughty Aredhel. She is a bad person and must pay the penalty, and here in Gondolin we have but one penalty for kidnapping mortals, you must tie her to a bed and spank her!

Handmaids: A spanking, a spanking!

Idril: You must spank her well, then you may deal with her as you like. And then you may spank me.

Handmaids: And me! And me! And me! And me!

Idril: You must give us all a good spanking.

Handmaids: A spanking, a spanking! There's going to be a spanking tonight!

Idril: And after the spanking, the oral sex!

Handmaids: The oral sex, the oral sex!

Tuor: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

Voronwe: Tuor!

Tuor: Oh, hello!

Voronwe: Quick

Tuor: What?

Voronwe: Quick!

Tuor: Why?

Voronwe: you are in the greatest peril.

Idril: No, he isn't.

Voronwe: Silence, foul temptress!

Tuor: You know, she's got a point!

Voronwe: Come on, I will cover your escape.

Tuor; I'm fine.

Voronwe: come on!

Handmaids: Tuor!!

Tuor: Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed.

Idril: Yes, let him tackle us single-handed.

Voronwe: No Tuor. Come on.

Tuor: No really! Honestly! I can cope; I can handle this lot easily!

Idril: Let him handle us easily.

Handmaids: Let him handle us easily.

Voronwe: No. Quick, quick.

Tuor: Please, I can defeat them easily. There's only a hundred and fifty of them.

Idril: Yes, yes, he will beat us easily. We haven't a chance.

Handmaids: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily!

 [Door crashes shut]

Idril: oh, shit!!

SCENE 13

In which the Sons of Feanor are the knights who say Ni.

Maedhros: Ni, Ni, Ni!

SoF: Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni!

Dior: Who are you?

Maedhros: We are the Sons of Feanor, and we say Ni!

Maglor: Ni!

Dior: No! Not the Sons of Feanor who say Ni!

Maedhros: The same!

Celeborn: Who are they?

Maedhros: We are the keepers of the sacred words, 'Ni', 'Peng' and Neee –Womm!'

Celegorm: Nee-Womm!

Dior: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

Maedhros: The Sons of Feanor who say Ni demand a sacrifice!

Dior: Oh, Sons of Feanor, we are but simple woodland folk who wish no trouble!

Maedhros: Ni!

SoF: Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni!

Dior: Ow, ow, Agh!

Maedhros: We shall say Ni to you again unless you appease us.

Dior: Well, what is it that you want?

Maedhros: We want the Silmaril

Dior: The Silmaril!!

SoF: Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni!!

Dior and companions: Ow, Oh, Agh!

Dior: Please, please! No more. We shall give you the Silmaril

Maedhros: You must return here with the Silmaril, or we shall kill you all!

Dior: Oh, Sons of Feanor, we shall return with the Silmaril

Maedhros: Don't take too long

Dior: Of course

Maedhros: Make sure it's nice and shiny clean!

Dior: Yes

Maedhros: Now…go!

SCENE 19

Dior: Oh, Sons of Feanor who say Ni, we have brought you your Silmaril. May we go?

Maedhros: It is a good Silmaril, you have it lovely and shiny clean, but there is one small problem

Dior: What is that?

Maedhros: We are no longer the Sons of Feanor who say Ni!

SoF: Ni, Shh!

Maedhros: Shh! We are now the Sons of Feanor who say 'ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhevi.

Caranthir: Ni!

Maedhros: Therefore, we must give you a test.

Dior: What is this test, oh Sons of Feanor who until recently said Ni.

Maedhros: First you must get us another Silmaril

Dior: Not another Silmaril!

Curufin: Ni!

Maedhros: When you have the other Silmaril, you must get the Dwarves to set them both in a nice necklace.

SoF: Ni, Ni, Shh! A necklace, a necklace. Ni, Ni, Shh!!

Maedhros: Then, when you have done this, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with….a herring!

SoF: A herring!!

Dior: We shall do no such thing.

Amrod and Amras: Ni, Ni!

Maedhros: Oh, please!

Dior: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!

SoF: Argh, arrghh!

Maedhros: Argh, Ohh! Don't say that word!

Dior: What word?

Maedhros: I cannot say, suffice to say is one of the words the Sons of Feanor cannot hear!

Dior: How can we not say the word if we don't know what it is?

SoF: Aarrgghhhh!

Maedhros: You said it again!

Dior: What, is?

Maedhros: No, not is. You wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.

SoF: No, not is. Not is.

Celeborn: My lord, it's Galadriel

Dior: Galadriel.

Galadriel: My lord, it's good to see you.

Maedhros: Now she's said the word.

Dior: Surely you have come to see your cousins?

Galadriel: No, no, far from it.

Maedhros: She said the word again

SoF: Argh.

Galadriel: I heard you had ridden into the woods with the Silmaril and wanted to know what you have done with it

SoF: Argh, Arrgghhh!!

Dior: I gave it to your cousins

SoF: Aarrggghhhh!!!

Maedhros: Aargghh, Stop saying the word! Argghh! The word..

Dior: Stop it!

Maedhros: Oh we cannot hear. Ow! He said it again.

Dior: Patsy!!

Maedhros: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ohh! I said it again. And there again! That's three 'it's' Ohhhh!!!

SoF: Aaaaaaarrrrghhhh!!!!


End file.
